Splitting
What is “Splitting”?
Splitting involves framing events or people in absolute terms - good or bad, black or white. It prevents the individual with BPD from recognising or accepting paradoxical qualities in someone or something, disallowing ‘grey areas’ in their thinking. Splitting is the sudden shift from idealisation to devaluation. Feeling challenged, threatened, or disappointed can quickly individuals with BPD to devalue the people they once idealised. This can cause significant emotional distress in the other person.
Idealisation: A defence mechanism in which a person attributes exaggerated positive qualities to themselves or others. It serves as a coping strategy to protect against anxiety and emotional conflicts that may arise in relationships.
Devaluation: The opposite defence, attributing exaggerated negative qualities to oneself or others. They, an object, or another person are seen as completely and irredeemably flawed or worthless, or as having other exaggerated negative attributes.
Viewing and responding to the world in such extremes, through a filter of either positivity or negativity, can leave individuals with BPD exhausted and emotionally drained. This has a significant impact on relationships and leads to intense and self-destructive behaviours. Splitting also impacts self-esteem, as the “good or bad” thinking is applied to an individual's own self-image and how they perceive themselves. It's a common defence mechanism to subconsciously attempt to protect against intense negative feelings such as loneliness, abandonment and isolation.
What are the signs?
Possible signs of BPD splitting may not always feel obvious to the person who is experiencing it, it’s often much clearer to people on the other side of their emotions. The person with BPD is rarely aware that they are splitting because the black-and-white thinking is so unintentional that it’s not even registering in their mind how drastically their mindset is shifting.
Five common signs of BPD splitting include
Making snap judgments — While we all can be a bit quick to judge others sometimes, splitting can cause a person to consistently make snap judgments without much consideration or context about a problem or person.
Switching opinions with absolute certainty — Splitting can cause a person to have complete certainty of one perception before switching to the completely opposite point of view. Commonly putting a person on a pedestal but then calling them toxic later on, or vice versa. This can result in begging someone to stay in one’s life after pushing them away or trying to cut them off.
Needing attention (victimisation) — Splitting often stems from the fear of being abandoned by those closest to an individual. That’s why a sign of splitting is constantly craving attention as well as assurance from friends and family to alleviate the self-doubt. During an episode the individual will likely present how they see the other person in the “toxic” form they are seeing. This will likely drive others to confront and validate their feelings confirming them as the victim. This is particularly acute in those who experience shame tendencies as there is a desperate need to acceptance by those around them.
Describing things as absolutes — Splitting is often referred to as “black-and-white” thinking or “all-or-nothing” thinking. Splitting will result in people using absolute terms such as “never,” “always” or “none” to reinforce the complete certainty of their perception.
Feeling attacked by differing opinions — By speaking absolutely, splitting means there is often no room for debate. So when others share opposing opinions, especially those close to them, they can get very upset, angry and defensive. If the person on the other side of the split tries to give an alternative view it only exacerbates the situation.
What causes splitting?
Splitting often occurs in response to a perceived threat of rejection, abandonment, or damage to self-image. While these triggering events may seem minor or harmless to someone without BPD, they can resonate deeply due to past trauma. Such moments may spark intense fears of separation and lead to overwhelming anxiety.
During these episodes, individuals may struggle to accurately interpret others’ behavior or intentions. To protect their self-perception , they may construct a narrative that externalises the discomfort, placing blame entirely on someone else. As a result, they might abruptly lash out or cut off contact with those they previously idealised. These actions, though rooted in deep emotional pain, can come across as cold or cruel, often causing significant distress for both parties.
It’s important note that ‘Splitting’ is done unknowingly
The effects of splitting?
A person with BPD may use splitting in the following ways:
• People will be seen as ‘perfect’ or ‘evil’
• Something will ‘always’ or ‘never’ go right
• Someone will ‘always’ or ‘never’ be loving
A person may hold onto these black and white views permanently. For others, their opposing views can fluctuate over time, where they switch from seeing someone or something as entirely good to entirely bad, or vice versa.
A common symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is emotional dysregulation—difficulty managing emotional responses to everyday situations. As a result, when someone with BPD engages in splitting (viewing a person or situation as entirely good or entirely bad), their reactions may appear disproportionate or unpredictable to others. These intense emotional shifts can be deeply exhausting for the individual and those around them.
When a real or perceived slight occurs, it can trigger overwhelming feelings of disappointment, betrayal, rejection, or abandonment. In these moments, the person with BPD may suddenly view someone they once idealised as entirely bad. This can lead to intense anger, withdrawal, or even self-directed rage. They may abruptly lash out or sever contact, which often causes significant conflict and distress.
Importantly, the severity of the split is often less about the actual triggering incident and more about the emotional weight of the relationship or individual involved. The more intensely someone has been idealised, the more deeply they may be devalued after a split.
Although splitting is a subconscious defence mechanism, people with BPD often possess a high degree of self-awareness. This can lead to intense feelings of shame and guilt after an episode. In an effort to manage these painful emotions, individuals may reinforce their negative perceptions of the devalued person, suppressing their guilt by justifying their actions. This may involve convincing others that the other person is entirely at fault, in order to protect their fragile sense of self and avoid perceived judgment.
Several psychological vulnerabilities contribute to this cycle, including rejection sensitivity, difficulty establishing and maintaining trust, and frequent misinterpretation of social cues. These factors can make it easier for the person with BPD to find perceived “evidence” that supports their view of the other as wholly bad.
Stress-induced paranoia, another recognised symptom of BPD, can further exacerbate these tendencies. In some cases, individuals may unintentionally embellish or invent grievances to prompt emotional reactions in others that mirror their own inner turmoil. The more important the relationship—or the greater their need for acceptance—the more likely it is that they may engage in behaviour that becomes psychologically abusive. This can be profoundly distressing for the person on the receiving end.
Many individuals in close relationships with someone who experiences splitting report feeling like they are constantly “walking on eggshells.” There is often a persistent fear that one wrong move could trigger a shift in perception. Partners may feel an ongoing need to validate and reassure their loved one in order to maintain emotional stability and prevent a painful split. This can stem from the person with BPD’s struggles with identity, low self-worth, and fear of abandonment.
How does an individual know they are splitting?
This can be very hard to know (exceptionally so before diagnosis) for the individual as the feelings are so real. It is also likely that when the individual talks to friends or family about the actions of the person they are splitting on, it is presented in the way they perceive it. Likely confirming their own position. To complicate matters further individuals with BPD are more likely to seek out partners who are emotionally distant, avoidant or narcissistic who do demonstrate very negative behaviours.
Use our free template
Firstly - separate facts from opinion.
Its important to establish what facts you can - What do you know for certain? Note these down in a list and by episode. Each episode is a linked event. Try and do this from sources that are firm. A text message, email or a social media post. Try not to rely solely on memories as these can often be clouded or altered by the process of splitting.
Remove all subjective inputs - For example don’t write “they shouted horrible things” - try being explicit “they spoke loudly and said x y and z” or “they were gaslighting me” - “my understanding of what they said/did was x they said they y”.
Note down next to them your subjective thoughts on those actions or behaviours and why you think or feel that way.
Write down what if any justification given by them and then again your thoughts on those.
Is there a way to verify or check your account and understanding - can you still ask the individual questions or find other firm evidence that can help you?
Think about alternative reasons and also compare it to previous episodes with that individual (again using the same process and with firm evidence).
Has this happened before - Is there a track record of this? This is why recording episodes is important.
If you can use a professional psychologist or therapist to help - as someone independent and with an understanding of the condition will be much better able to help you accurately assess both your behaviours and give guidance on that of the other.
Care and management
If you're close to someone with BPD, there are a number of ways to support them so they're able to better manage their splitting behaviour. These include the following:
Remember that splitting is a symptom of BPD - while it can be difficult not to take their words and actions personally, remember the person isn't intentionally trying to hurt you. Splitting is something they're doing unknowingly
Think about how you respond to the person who is splitting - try to remain calm and if you find this difficult, give yourself an opportunity to cool down by postponing the conversation
Show the person that you really do care - a person with BPD is likely to be dealing with feelings of abandonment, isolation and loneliness. Therefore, try to show the person they're cared for and heard
Set healthy boundaries to help manage behaviours – work with the person with BPD to set limits so they understand the behaviours that you won’t tolerate, such as throwing objects or violence. While these boundaries may be unintentionally challenged at times, make sure you carry out the pre-determined consequence, which may include walking away from the situation
It's also important for you to encourage the person to receive the right treatment, and be an advocate of it when they do so.
