Quiet BPD
What Does Quiet BPD Look Like?
BPD means a person experiences very intense negative emotions, such as anger, shame, sadness and guilt. This is often displayed outwardly. However, for someone with quiet BPD, while they still experience these intense emotions, they tend to do so internally. This can cause them to lash out at themselves.
When someone has quiet BPD, it can be something that other people don't necessarily notice. As the person internalises their emotional pain, it can also make it more difficult for them to access the diagnosis and treatment they need.
If you are wondering whether you or someone you know might be struggling with quiet borderline personality disorder, it can be helpful to read over some of the common signs and characteristics.
Do you have quiet BPD?
When you are upset, is all the shame, hate, or anger directed towards yourself?
Do you often find yourself thinking, “I must have said or done something wrong,” or “I must have been at fault”?
Do you have a high need for control and don’t know what to do in situations where there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’?
When someone upsets you, do you withdraw from them avoiding conflict or confrontation?
Do you deep down believe your very existence is a burden to others?
Do you mentally dissociate and feel empty and numb?
Do you live in denial of the anger you feel? Perhaps to the point where you don’t know how ‘anger’ feels anymore?
Do you spiral into crushing depression or tend to isolate yourself at the slightest mistake you feel you have made in your interactions with people?
Are there incidences where you have cried for days, stayed in bed, and remained unmotivated without anyone knowing?
Why is Quiet BPD so painful?
Deep inside, they may feel that their emotions are wrong, they’re are ‘too much’ for others, their existence itself is a burden, or they don’t deserve a place in the world. They would rather be in pain than affect other people, so they hold everything in.
People with Quiet BPD tend to have an avoidant attachment style; many have comorbid Avoidant Personality Disorder traits. Instead of other reactions like ‘ fight’, ‘flight’, you’ freeze’ in the face of trauma and pain.
Quiet BPD is more dangerous than the classic form of the disease because when emotional needs arise, they tend to numb out or dissociate. So instead of seeking help, they withdraw from those who care for them and if they try, they may not allow them to help. They have a very high level of stress tolerance and avoid outwardly expressing their needs, often appearing to cut off emotions easily. However, this can keep them in a loop of quiet suffering for a long time.
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Due to an innately hypersensitive nervous system and/or the Complex PTSD they might have experienced, they constantly live with low-grade anxiety, which can escalate into a panic when triggered by particular stressors. However, no matter how much they are struggling, they are likely to downplay or hide their distress and put on a stoic facade to the outside world.
Perhaps deep down, they do not feel they deserve time, attention, and care from others; Perhaps when they do show their vulnerabilities, they are plagued with guilt and shame, so they would rather hold things in. As time goes by, they become good at camouflaging— saying what others need to hear and presenting themselves in a socially acceptable way.
They may be feeling a lot on the inside, but most of the time, they would hide it from others. Sometimes, they even hide it from themselves. Thus, they appear flat and unemotional. This is very different from the ‘dramatic’ expression someone with ‘classic BPD’ may exhibit. People think that they are doing well, and may not reach out as they struggle in isolation.
They may also suffer from what is known as Alexithymia—the inability to recognize or describe emotions. Research has found that people with BPD are highly responsive to other people’s feelings and can feel other people’s pain as their own, but since they do not have the language to identify and express these feelings, they come across as unempathetic. (New A.S. et al., 2012)
Since they do not have the language to channel their pain, they ‘express’ their anger and hurt through a series of self-destructive behaviours including alcohol or drug abuse, binge eating, compulsive stealing, reckless driving, etc.
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In general, they crave structure and order. They prefer things to be planned and would want to avoid uncertainty and unplanned risks in life. When something unexpected happens, they feel thrown off balance; even when they are ‘good’ things, they feel suspicious of them. Because of their need for control, they may have many written or unwritten rules that govern their life. This creates a kind of rigidity that limits creativity, playfulness, and spontaneity.
They may be uncomfortable with situations where there are no rules or instructions. They prefer things to be predictable, and controllable, and that they can always get the confirmation they are doing the ‘right’ thing. Therefore, they may find social situations and unstructured activities exhausting, because they never know what to do or say.
This need for hyper-control can affect their willingness to engage in therapy too. If they meet with a therapist who leaves the session relatively free-flow, asks little questions, or does not give them specific activities to do, they may feel lost and uncomfortable. They try to do or say the ‘right’ thing but their therapist neither approves nor disapproves. They may even blame themselves for not using the session well afterward. (This does not mean the therapy is ‘bad’ or not working, but it is worth sharing how they feel with their therapist. Hopefully, they will have an understanding of Complex Trauma/ CPTSD and the inhibition defence that comes from that. Together, they can hopefully slowly get used to taking up space for themselves, and trusting their organic expressions, rather than relying on external directions)
They may also choose to avoid an intimate relationship. Which makes sense, as relationships inevitably involve exposing their vulnerability and being subjected to factors they cannot control.
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Compared to people with ‘classic BPD’, they are more likely to have an avoidant attachment style rather than an anxious attachment style, which also means they may abandon relationships easily— with therapists, partners, and friends— whenever conflicts arise.
They may engage in a common BPD symptom called ‘splitting’— where people become either ‘all good’ or ‘all bad’, or when they go from intensely loving someone to hating them. When someone offends or hurts them, they become someone they hate (all bad). In quiet BPD, instead of confronting them or bursting out in rage, they shut down. They may disappear, ignore the offender, unfriend them on social media, or give them the silent treatment. If they don’t give others a chance to explain or to try and mend the relationship, they may not even be aware of what has happened. As a result, they might have lost friends and feel aggrieved and isolated.
Socially, they feel as though they are sleeping on a bed of nails. As much as they would like to engage, being around others fuels their self-doubt and anxiety. Disagreements at work, an indication that their partner is unhappy with them, or if their parents compare them with someone else, can push their buttons to an extreme degree. Eventually, they would rather socially withdraw to avoid shame and emotional storms. They become increasingly disconnected from the world.
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A lack of emotional validation is at the core of the BPD wound. It makes sense, therefore, that they would want to seek from their partner or those who are close to them what they have wanted all their life but could not get. They may be constantly trying to make ‘everyone’ happy. Perhaps they put an excessive amount of time and effort into being a mediator, confidant, and peacemaker. Or they are unable to say no, even if it means sacrificing their own needs. They may do anything just to avoid conflict and anger.
When they get emotionally attached to someone, they sensitively hang on to their every word and action, constantly trying to decipher if they like them or care for them. Even at the slightest hint that someone might be upset with them, they feel their world start to crumble. They become incredibly anxious about potential rejection if friends or partners don’t keep plans or return their calls.
Because they are afraid of conflict, they are always editing and checking themselves to make sure they never offend anyone. They may feel rigid, contrived, and not able to enjoy friendships and relationships in a carefree way.
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The stereotypical image of someone who has BPD is that they are clingy and needy. A person may fight, beg and cry to stop imagined or actual abandonment. The fear of being left behind causes chronic anxiety, panic attacks, and hyper-vigilant physiology. In terms of attachment patterns, these behaviours relate to the anxious-ambivalent attachment style.
However, with Quiet BPD, their fear of abandonment may titrate with an avoidant attachment pattern. (Or, they may deep down be anxious-ambivalently attached, but in terms of behaviours, they act with avoidant tendencies.)
They do not only fear abandonment but also fear intimacy. They may avoid relationships altogether, or they may avoid exposing themselves. The moment a romantic partner comes close to knowing the real them, they find a reason to break things off. Convinced that they would eventually be abandoned, they would rather end the relationship before it ends on them. When they feel anxious in a relationship, they are more likely to withdraw rather than raise conflicts, which hinders them from building lasting and fulfilling partnerships.
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It may be due to their childhood or social conditioning that they have developed what psychologists call a ‘false self’. They hold up a ‘happy, successful, and normal’ image even when they are paradoxically crumbling on the inside.
They are likely highly driven and perfectionistic. They have a tendency to compulsively ‘fix things,’ both in their career and personal life. They may obsess about finishing a task even if that means they have to sacrifice rest or the quality of their relationships. Their perfectionistic tendencies are by and large rewarded by society and might have brought them many career successes.
They set very high standards for themselves and others; they work hard, but get frustrated when others underperform or don’t follow rules. They are highly disciplined, and most of the time they keep things under control. Most of the time, they don’t really need or want others to tell them what to do. Because of their appeared competence, they can come across as being aloof or dismissive of input from others.
They maintain a facade of perfection and keep up with their external achievements, because somehow somewhere, they feel that they are not fundamentally and inherently worthy of love. They trade their time for recognition and their soul for external approval. As they hide behind the socially successful persona, others do not get to know the real them and do not see that they need help. This leaves a void in their heart, and the pain of not living a full life will eventually erupt.
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Because avoidance is their primary coping mechanism, they avoid not just social situations but also their inner world. They tend to shut down when feelings get overwhelming. When they dissociate, they become empty and numb.
They may experience depersonalisation and derealisation, where they feel out of touch with reality, like they are observing themselves from the outside, or experience reality as unreal. When things become stressful, they run their life on autopilot while feeling nothing on the inside. Not just emotionally, they may also feel physically numb, unable to taste or sense anything. They feel like they are living in a movie or a dream, or are living someone else’s life. They might have forgotten a big part of their life story and suffer from partial amnesia, not able to string together a coherent narrative of their life.
Because of their disconnection with the inner emotional world, they may have incongruent and odd expressions at times. For example, they may compulsively laugh or smile when they talk about something distressing. Even if their friends or therapist point that out, they cannot seem to help it. Or, even when others show deep empathy for the trauma they have gone through, they are not able to feel anything or show signs of upset.
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As a result of the disconnection with themselves, they also do not have a robust ‘sense of self.’ This means they generally have a low awareness of their own emotions, desires, motivations, and needs.
Emotions are there to signal us what we need; but if they have been severely neglected or abused, they might have learned to shut them down. If their experience has taught them that there is ‘no point in knowing their needs, for they will never be met,' they would of course find it easier if they are no longer aware of their needs. After all, continuing to be made aware of their needs and not having them met is a painful state to be in. But when they shut down their emotional system, they face many other consequences. For one, the way it works is that they cannot only shut down negative feelings. When they attempt to shut down their feelings of neediness, anxiety, and anger, they also stop feeling joy, love, and a sense of fulfilment. They may end up living life on auto-pilot as if they are watching it go by without being in it.
Without a solid sense of self, they may have ever-changing ideas about who they are, what they are doing, or where they are going in life. They want to feel like they belong somewhere, but at the same time find it difficult to commit to an endeavour. One minute they are totally into a person, a social movement, an idea, or a belief system, and the next moment they lose interest in them. With constant changes in their relationships and career, it is difficult for them to establish a sense of stability for optimal mental health.
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Many with Quiet BPD have a tendency to blame themselves even when it is not their fault. They may have an underlying sense of dread that their presence is a nuisance to others. They may ruminate a lot and go over interactions in their mind, only to harshly scrutinize what they had said or done.
They tend to shoulder too much responsibility for conflicts or arguments in a relationship. Even if they were abused, they may blame themselves rather than direct their anger towards the people who have hurt them. They may also have a tendency to over-apologize for things.
Always blaming themselves contributes to low self-esteem, which can also result in a tendency to self-sabotage. For example, having a good relationship or working at a job where they are appreciated fills them with uneasiness. They doubt themselves and deep down do not feel they deserve to have good fortune, appreciation, and love. They would rather turn away joy than later be disappointed. Therefore, they push away opportunities and hope. This pattern stops them from reaching their full potential.
Imi Lo writes beautifully on the subject - read more on the subject through the eyes of someone who has suffered and recovered.
Imi Lo is an author, mental health consultant, and philosophical consultant who guides individuals and groups to live more meaningful and authentic lives. Her perspective is shaped by having lived in the UK, Australia, and Asia, as well as her work with organizations such as Doctors Without Borders, the NHS, the mental health charity Mind, and LGBTQ charity London Friend.
Her books, Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity and The Gift of Intensity, which have been translated into multiple languages, are sought out by readers worldwide for their compassionate and astute insights. She is the recipient of prestigious awards, including the Australian Government Endeavour Award, the HSBC Social Work Scholarship, and a Postgraduate Scholarship for Buddhist Studies. Imi’s work has been featured in major publications such as Business Insider, Psychologies, Marie Claire, HuffPost, The Daily Mail, and The Telegraph.
Quiet BPD and structural dissociation
In High-functioning BPD and Quiet BPD, emotional detachment is associated with a process known as ‘structural dissociation,’ also referred to as ‘trauma splitting.’ This trauma response involves a division within the personality into two components: the ‘normal self’ and the ‘wounded self.’
The experience of growing up without adequate emotional support from parents significantly impacts their inner world. Rather than stemming from a single event, complex trauma arises from continuous absence of empathy and neglect, leaving a lasting imprint.
As children, escaping the pain was not an option, leading to psychological withdrawal – a hidden, invisible retreat. Forming this internal “split” involved separating from the parts that are angry and in pain. This protects them from being overwhelmed
Triggers such as humiliation, abandonment, and rejection can make them feel taken over by different "parts" of themselves, each with distinct feelings and behaviours, sometimes resembling actions of younger ages. Its often concealed, but when triggered, it may cause PTSD-like symptoms including flashbacks, mood dysregulation, and anger.
Externally, they may appear functional but may neglect fundamental human needs like expression, play, spontaneity, and intimacy. This neglect can lead to a sense of emptiness and lack of meaning or purpose. As society rewards functionality, individuals become increasingly attached to the Normal Self, distancing vulnerable parts.
Why do individuals withdraw?
When an individual with Quiet BPD withdraws it can be difficult to understand for those around them - the sudden shift to withdraw is often associated with the process of splitting. However there are multiple reasons why an individual with Quiet BPD withdraws rather than lashes out as is normally the case for the more classic subtype:
Protection and control - its forms a boundary giving a sense of safety. Putting distance between themselves and the emotions they associate with the individual they distance. At the same time it restores the sense of control that an individual with Quiet BPD desperate to maintain.
Retribution/retaliation- during the process of splitting on someone the individual with Quiet BPD may associate all their problems with that individual, and all actions of that person were designed to hurt or manipulate. This can lead them to feel justified in inflicting pain of emotional withdrawal on the other and also avoids conflict or confrontation which they fear.
Fear - for an individual who has learnt to repress their anger. The act of withdrawing and seeking revenge through “silent treatment” both feels like they have set a boundary and also expressed their anger. After doing so, this expression of anger, that they have struggled to managed in a healthy way throughout their lives often leaves them fearful of the consequences, as a child they would have likely been punished for such a display. This fear heightens their already highly paranoid and distrustful state.
Begin subjected to a “silent treatment” can be highly distressing for those on the receiving end. Especially as it’s likely an opposite of what they have experienced before with that person. Leaving them confused at the sudden change, desperate for understanding and re-connection.
However, when an individual tries to break through the withdrawal it merely exacerbates the split feeling of the other person. It will often been seen of an abuse of their boundaries or an attempting to harm or control them.
This emotional withdrawal is likely similar to what they experience as a child, unsurprisingly this can cause similar trauma on the individual being shut out.
This is especially acute for an individual who has other neuro divergences, such as CPTSD or ADHD. These conditions have high levels of rejection sensitivity. The stonewalling and sudden abandonment destabilises dopamine production causing flashbacks, idealisation and rumination.
Reaching out to someone with Quiet BPD
Due to the very nature of Quiet BPD, it can be difficult to tell who might be suffering from it. Quiet BPD is also indiscriminative, affecting people from all walks of life. Those around you who appear normal or successful could be suffering in silence. They are typically highly sensitive, intuitive, and creative. When their mental health takes a downturn, however, they lose control of themselves and become vulnerable.
Most Quiet BPD sufferers live with a sense of failure and shame. They feel as though they’re lying to their friends and family or not being true to themselves. If you suspect that a friend, a loved one or a colleague is suffering from Quiet BPD, please understand that they are trying their absolute best to survive, and are in tremendous pain.
However frustrated you may be, don’t try to confront them or force them to admit that they have a problem.
One of the best ways to help someone who’s struggling with Quiet BPD is to simply offer your support and make sure that they know that you’ll be there for them. You might not be able to understand exactly what’s going on inside their heart and mind, but you can make yourself available to them if they are ready to reach out.
